Will breastfeeding be as hard as it was with Chella and Odie? Will my tits ever recover? Are there new pumps and storing techniques I should be aware of? Is it every two hours or three? Can you even still get formula? I remember reading about a baby formula black market situation! How do I find the black market? Is it on Google Maps? Do you still wrap them like a human burrito or is that a no-no now? Do I need white noise? Where do I buy white noise from?! Will I be able to get anything else done or am I in for a complete handover of my life?
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They’re so tiny, I can’t remember how to do it, the newborn thing. Here is a disturbing breakdown of the things that were going on in my head at 3am. It was a conscious stream of mental vomit. Last night when I attempted to fall asleep, my mild panic converted itself into three hours worth of sticky thoughts and worries. I turned to my husband, wildly gestured to the all of breast pumps, muslin wraps and baby carriers in front of us, and said: “Scotty, I don’t think I remember how to fucking do this.” Suddenly I wanted to seal the opening to my womb and have my son live in there until he was at least five. So as Scott and I were trying to pick a cot that was safe – one with non-toxic paint, correct spacing between the railings and without the appearance of a glamorous Scandinavian jail cell – it hit me: I don’t think I remember how to fucking do this. If I’m being honest, I’m completely bewildered with the new equipment, lotions and rules that seem to have sprung up in the past twelve years. The last time I gave birth, John Howard was Prime Minister, the very first iPhone was announced, and Avril Lavigne was still a thing.
The catalyst for my realisation was going shopping for a cot.
For some reason my brain had not fully penetrated the reality of the situation and only been surface diving on the topic. Up until that moment I’d been living in a euphoric bubble, a hazy, soft cocoon of excitement and denial. With the force of a runaway freight train coming straight from hell, it hit me yesterday that I would soon be in charge of a newborn human. Friday 16th November Tuesday 20th November Please help me with your wise wisdom!